Ministry Isn't What I Thought It Would Be

I haven't put my fingers to the keyboard on this site for what seems like forever.  I haven't wanted to let the feelings out that lurk below the surface of my "got it all together now" facade.  When I began this blog everything was so easy...the words came out so freely...it was so easy to lay it all out there, to be honest. Guess I felt I had nothing really to lose.  But life got bigger on me....and it's become more complicated.  My dream of just getting up everyday to "do the Father's will like Jesus did" sprouted a heart that said "send me, Lord."  So I went...and a desire to follow became a ministry to help others.  With my lack of anything but a willingness I offered myself as a willing vessel.  Faith that God could use a person with little skills, I set out to follow a path that I believed would be filled with wonder and awe of the miraculous works of ministry.

Before my journey began I heard so many preachers speak about.... "God can use anyone to do great things"  "He's not looking for the most qualified...but the most willing" and I believed in what was spoken.  My problem now isn't that I no longer believe these comments to be true.  I believe God can use anyone.  I believe that God is looking for those of us who are willing.  My problem now is that most of the people that preached these thing to me really didn't believe it themselves.    What I have encounter isn't a community that believe God to be powerful enough to transform someone and use them in ways never dreamed of.  No instead I have encountered many that doubt my ability to be of great use....because I lack the seminary degree to be able to write about the word of God and teach.  Because I am a woman....I lack what is needed to teach a man.  Instead of support from the Pastors and Leaders in my community in starting a ministry, instead of helping us get our legs underneath us, we have been ignored....thought of as a competitor....and plainly dismissed.

I am disillusioned.  To see the possessiveness of pastors....to see the lack of community between those who feel called to the gospel of reconciliation...to see the lack of enthusiasm and support for those who have enough courage step out in faith.  To those of us who put it all on the line for our Lord....who put all our money into saving the lost...who put our comfort and future security in the hands of God in order to step out and be the hands and feet of Christ...who sacrifice time to be there for others who are living in a messed up world....who do things that most perceive as crazy or not following protocol for the glory of God....we need to know what we are doing is encouraged and supported.

I love Jesus....but does anyone else?  That has been my question lately.  Or do they love having big buildings and big congregations?  Or do they love feeling important because they went to seminary?  Or do they love the rules they have decided we follow in order to be greatly used by God?  What do they really love?

What I am saying is .... Jesus didn't require much to be used but I'm finding others do.  And it leaves me feeling like I'm walking alone.