Pressing Forward As My Knees are Knocking

Have you ever wondered why being a child of God requires so much change and growth? I have! As a matter of fact I am asking God that question right now! I keep thinking I will get to coast for a while, maybe sit back just long enough to put my feet up for a short spell. But......NOT!

Change just keeps on coming. Seems like it's becoming a more frequent visitor and stays longer each time. Lately I have begun to wonder if maybe it's decided to become my way of life. So be it. If that's the way it's gotta be, I guess I need to get used to it and stop fighting so hard against it. Guess I should just strap on the safety belt and hang on for the ride. Knowing of course that I'll be safe since Jesus is driving.

Here's the thing. When I prayed to be greatly used by God, I had no idea how much change it would require. I expected my external circumstances to change. I knew that I would face some adversity and have to overcome some obstacles. I knew that He would change me internally. What I did not anticipate was having to come face to face with myself. What I mean is my core fears and insecurities.

Six years ago when Jesus sat me down in the chair in my living room and began a very personal discipleship program with me, I began to be consumed with His word. I knew I needed to love Him with all my heart and so I asked for Him to give me wisdom and a heart like His. I then began to pray for Him to make me look like Himself when I looked in the mirror. A slow ember began to burn which grew into a spark. That spark of fire grew until all I wanted to do was be His and glorify Him in what ever way He deemed fit.

As my desire to understand the Word of God intensified, He reminded me of a vision He had shown me at the age of twenty. Wide awake, I had seen clearly a vision of myself. In that vision I was standing at a podium in a large auditorium filled with people. I was speaking for Him.

For the next three years as I spent my days engulfed in the Word of God, the message God continually spoke into my heart was "Speak for Me" "Speak for Me". Three more years and here I am, still changing and learning. Yes, I am more prepared to be that person. Yes, I do speak and teach His word to others. But as it is becoming more clear what is expected of me I am now coming face to face with my deepest beliefs about myself.

You see, I am comfortable teaching in a small group to those I know well. I am comfortable typing my words from the safety of my laptop as I sit here in my living room. I can even get through an occasional speaking engagement with the loving women in my church. But as I begin to embark on bigger things, my full blown insecurities are hitting me square between the eyes.

You see, I have been writing a bible study that I have embarked on trying to get published. This weekend, I am attending a conference where I will have the opportunity to present what I have written before some editors and publishers. I am terrified. You may think me silly to have such fears, but there are many things it is causing my poor heart to feel.

I struggle severely with insecurity. What were you thinking Lord!?! Me a speaker, a writer, a teacher? I know what He is calling me to do and if I take this step it will lead to more. More of what I am terrified of. More standing up in front of people as my legs are shaking. More of possible rejection and criticism. More, more, more..... of everything I feel inadequate to do.

So as I come face to face with one of my biggest core beliefs, that I am not enough, all my insecurities are at high alert. I'm shaking in my boots and my knees are knocking but I will not let it defeat me. I will do what I need do to get past it, I will DO IT anyway. I will press on forward; scared, legs shaking, knees knocking. I will continue walking forward into where He is calling me, scared or not. My hand may be squeezing His so tight that I cuts off all His circulation, but forward I will go. I doubt He will mind my squeezing.

This weekend, and I am sure many more times in the future, I will face my fear and hear these words "Do It Scared". "Do it with fear in your heart if you have to, but don't stop, just do it"

So I will.... go..... do it..... trembling......holding on tight. But I will go.

Gaining Myself As I Lose Myself

Luke 10:19 - "Behold, I give you the authority to trample on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you."

Words spoken by Jesus over 2000 years ago to seventy followers. They were appointed and sent out two by two into every city where He Himself would be going.

They were to be laborers for His harvest. He knew they would see hardship. He knew they would come in direct contact with evil. But He sent them out anyway.

He warned them of what they would encounter. "Go your way; behold, I send you out as lambs among wolves." Then He instructed them to let peace rest on the house that had peace as they entered and to take their peace with them if not. "Whatever city you enter, and they receive you, eat such thing that are put before you. And heal the sick there, and say to them, The kingdom of God has come near you."

As these seventy returned.... they returned with joy. Why?

They had seen hardship. Evil had tried to stop their progress. Life as a disciple had not been easy. So why would they return with great joy in their hearts? Why weren't they beat down and discouraged? Why were they instead full of enthusiasm?

I believe they had seen for themselves the truth in Luke 10:19. NOTHING could hurt them. When they were approaching all circumstances and individuals, they were doing it in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. There strength and power was in the name they had been branded with.

Beloved, there is power and authority in the name of Jesus Christ. Abiding in Jesus we can not be hurt. If we do not allow the actions or decisions of others to say who we are, we can not be hurt by them.

I have learned recently that when you place your identity in the one who created you and you see yourself through His eyes, there is no act, insult or action by another person that can hurt you.

But you must know who He is, to know who you are. Do you get what I am saying? You can not define Yourself by the things of this world. Instead, you must define yourself by what God says about you. If you are to be the direct reflection of Jesus, you need to see yourself by looking at Him.

When you have a clear identity of who you are in Christ and your approval comes from Him, you need no one to say that you are OK. If you need no ones approval but His then no one can hurt you. The schemes of the devil are defeated. Anything that is done to you is in vain because you hold no regard for there approval or condemnation.

As you shed the need for the world to fulfill you and give you worth, you leave behind your self. You leave behind your old self, the one that felt unworthy and unacceptable.

As you do this shedding of self, a new self is emerges. It's a blossoming Spirit that is moved and directed by the Holy Spirit. I believe its what you were intended to be before life got in the way. His child, allowing Him to lead while you simply follow.

That's where the joy those seventy were talking about comes from. It comes from the name of Jesus. Abiding in the Holy Spirit, following His ways and being who He directs you to be.

When we do this nothing can ever really hurt us and we gain who we were intended to be from the beginning.

Change Is Part Of Life

Some people say things like "I don't like change" or "If its not broke don't fix it." I understand their thinking, change can be difficult and at times very painful. Despite it being difficult, I am learning to say "Bring on the change Lord." And as I do, I begin to wonder what the Lord has planned next for me.

You see life is ever moving and ever changing. I would even go as far as to say that, to live as Christ is to be in the state of constant change.

Being a believer of Jesus Christ is all about change. We are to be renewed daily. Transforming into the image of Christ takes the daily renewed effort to change. Everyday we should ask the question "What will you change in me today Lord?"

We have to be prepared for things to change, because without change, there would be no forward movement. As the old saying goes, when your not moving forward, you are falling back. If we are not changing, moving forward to the next place God has for us, we instead are falling back. Usually, that falling back takes the form of old ways or new sin.

Although change is unavoidable, it is not always pain free. Sometimes we are faced with decisions that we know we must make to move forward in our walk with Christ. At the same time we know the change will cause us to grieve the loss of what has been. Sometimes we must sacrifice of our comfort and our personal feelings in order to be obedient to the will of God.

This has been the case recently for Dave and I. My heart has been heavy with the thought of leaving behind many that we love so dearly. You see, we recently made the decision to leave our home church. It has not come without many gut wrenching discussions and prayerful nights. At the conclusion, the answer has always been the same, "It's time to go."

We have not made this decision in haste. It has been a long process with many discussions spanning a two year period. Through our times talking over the last two years, we have come to the understanding that I have a calling on my life for ministry. It is a calling to write bible studies and teach the word of God. Eventually, God willing, I hope to be a speaker and help reach and teach many with God's word.

Our leaving is not a bad reflection on the church. Actually, it is instead a testimony to it. We have been feed and grown at this church to the point that now it is time to go forth and proclaim the word of God to others. We are grateful to have had the time with so many people that truly love God.

As I read a book by Beth Moore recently, what she said spoke to me. I'm paraphrasing, but here is what her words said to me. Anytime we move away from those we love there is a loss that occurs. In that loss there is a sort of death that takes place. When we experience a death, we grieve the loss. There is no way around it.

The disciples experienced the same loss when Jesus was taken from the cross and laid in the tomb. Then again when they arrived at the tomb and saw that His body was gone. They could have stayed in the tomb believing that all was lost or instead they could go and see the risen Lord.

Here is the hope for each of us. Jesus didn't stay in the tomb. Instead, he was resurrected. The disciples didn't stay forever in the empty tomb. No, they went to the meeting place and gather together where they experienced the resurrected Christ.

So when we experience a death of any type we have a choice. We can stay in the tomb looking for the body or we can go down the road to find the resurrected Christ. There is a resurrection waiting for each of us. It is the next place that God is waiting to take us too.

Dave and I are going down the road again. Although I grieve for what we leave behind, at the same time I am looking forward to the resurrection that awaits us.

Transforming Into The Character of Jesus

This morning as I was preparing for my bible study on how to have transformed speech, I stumbled on, or maybe I should say, I was showed by God some truth I'd like to share.

So often we say we want to be like Jesus. We want to be formed into his likeness as the bible tells us we are to strive for. Well. I know that I say this often. Maybe I am not alone on this quest and you want this also. But how do we get there?

I have high and lofty ideas of doing great things in the Kingdom of God. I'll save a hundred souls for Jesus. Maybe I'll feed thousands of starving children or create a huge mission that shelters a whole community. OR I'll write a best seller that comforts millions and a bible study that teaches the multitude about the ways of Christ. I will...... I will.....

In reality, I will DO nothing. It is he that is in me that will do the good works. The good works he planned for me to do even before I was born.

I believe the mistake I make, along with many others, is believing that "doing" is the answer to becoming closer to the image of Jesus. I so often think that I can show everyone who Jesus is by the big things I could do if He would only let me.

Doing is not the answer. Instead, the answer is in "being" like him. Everyday. In every encounter with another person. In all circumstances. Transforming our reactions, behaviors, thoughts, and beliefs to respond the way Christ would in all circumstances. Our character is to be in the process of being molded to reflect Jesus' character.

John 1:14 says - The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

Jesus, like the Father has two very important attributes that we would go a long way if we paid high attention to acquiring them. Those two attributes are grace and truth.

John tells us that Jesus, the One and Only, was (and still is) full of grace and truth. It is foundational to who Jesus is. As well, it should be foundational to who we are. If we are to be a true image bearer of Jesus Christ it is critical that our foundation reflect the characteristics of the original.

Being full of grace and truth........ How do we put these attributes at the foundation of who we are?

You can't be "filled" with the truth if you aren't "in" the truth. In other words, we have to fill ourselves with the "truth" of God which is in His word. It needs to be filling us up, changing our behaviors, making us into different creatures. Renewing us daily, changing our thoughts from evil to good. Making our thoughts and behaviors reflect Him. That is what comes from saturating ourselves in the word of God.

We can not reflect what we do not know. If we are not reading, studying and learning the word of God it can not be in us and fill us with truth. Therefore, truth will not be our foundation and we will not live it out in our daily lives. Instead, our human nature will seep out of us and inspire us to sin.

Truth. It's foundational. It teaches us to care with honest and transparent hearts. It shows others who we are. It shows our flawed true self that can not redeem or save itself. The truth that without Jesus, we are sinful at the core.

Sinful and self serving. That is "our" truth, self serving and flawed. But.... given a new life and truth by Jesus who lives within us. And if we want that to shine through, we must make His truth become a foundational part of who we are.

And then..... we live in His grace. Also as a foundation to who we are.

Grace, unmerited love and favor on the part of God. We didn't deserve it. We can't earn it. It is given freely because of His goodness. It is all about how good He is even when we don't deserve it.

Living in grace is a different calling then being saved by grace. We are saved by grace ONCE. Jesus died one time for all. You and I, we accepted his grace once and were given the free gift of salvation.

Living in grace is much different. It's daily, hourly, sometimes even minute by minute. "God of all grace" is one of God's names (1 Peter 5:10). He is the source and giver of all grace. His grace paid our debt and gave us salvation. It lavishes blessing on us and promises unimaginable favor. Favor that we have the privilege of living in and extending to others.

We can not extend our own grace, we instead must extend the grace we have been given by God. The favor God has shown towards us enables us to show the same to others. Instead of keeping track when others fail and hurt us. Or paying them back with the same, we can extend unmerited favor just as God does.

Each time we encounter a trial of an interpersonal nature we have the opportunity to either react as Jesus would or as Satan would. We can either repay evil with good or evil with evil. It is our choice in that moment. Will we walk the path of grace or the path of retribution?

Jesus was "full of grace", allowing a sinner like me to come into His completely holy kingdom. If I want to be transformed into the character of Jesus I have to look on others with the eyes that look back at myself. I have to see my own sin and failure when others fail and hurt me. I have to see their sin, knowing that I too do such things. I too speak things I should not and hurt others. I too say and do things that inflict pain or cause others to be injured. I am no better, I am only a sinner. A sinner under the grace given by God. A grace given to me so I can turn and pass it on to another.

Truth and grace.... a foundation made up of love and humility. It is the foundation I want. The foundation I believe we all need to live our lives out of.

All Things Are In His Hands - Part 4

So here I am..... Back in the house I was in four years ago...... And I thought I should finish the story I started months ago.

Of course, life is always a process and the story never really ends for each of us.... But this chapter on financial crisis has finally come to a close. PRAISE GOD

Last time I wrote, we had sold the big beautiful dream house and moved back to the smaller place but there was still no permanent job yet. Dave, my husband, was still scrounging out a living and we were living on a wing and a prayer. Faith was the name of the game..... And the way we were surviving.

In the beginning of July an email came from a member of the church we belong to. Our Pastor had left a year before for the mission field and moved to Greece. In the email he was requesting a group to come to Greece and help them build a church.

As I read the email, my heart sunk. This mission trip was something that Dave should be involved in but there was just no way it could happen. Here we were, barely hanging on financially, just moved back to our old house, behind on credit cards, still no permanent work, no insurance but surviving. How could he go to Greece? It just wasn't possible.

Or was it possible?

Turns out, nothing is impossible with God.

I read that email on Sunday morning right before we walked out the door to go to church. I mentioned it to Dave in the car and we both knew it was wasn't an idea we could entertain. At 9PM that evening, there was a knock at our front door. In enters a couple from church that are friends of ours with something they wanted to discuss.

"If we raise the money for you to go to Greece, would you go?" was the question they asked Dave. They continued.... "We were at our Life Group tonight and everyone there (ten people) thinks you are suppose to go on this trip. We want to make sure you have what you need to go."

How do you respond to something like this? First you pick your mouth up off the floor. Then you take a week to digest the whole thing and pray about it. Which is what we did.

I knew he should go, but was it Gods will? Was God really wanting him to do this? No job.... No money.... No security..... Pick up and go to Greece. Hey, why not?

To say Dave was hesitant is an under statement. He was reluctant to even entertain the idea. But God had a plan and it was in motion.

The next week after church service was over, up walks a man who is in our Sunday School class. He knew nothing about the previous conversation with other members of our church. He needs to talk to Dave. "Are you going on the Greece trip?" He asks. "If you are, I feel like God wants me to sponsor you" He proceeds to tell Dave that he felt like God was telling him and his wife felt the very same thing at the exact same time. They had gone looking for each other at the same time to tell one another.

The following week, this man walks up to Dave again after church and tells him that he had gone to the church that week to pay the money and found out that someone else, completely separate had already paid the plane fare. Evidently, a third party was now on the scene and had paid the fare in secret. They had been called by God and left the glory in His name. We still don't have a a clue who it was. The following week an envelope of money was left at the church with our name on it to cover expenses at home while he was gone.

To Greece he would go.... "But Dave, before you go, let me settle a few more things for you" said God.

Three weeks before the trip a phone call. It's an interview. To say Dave didn't have his hopes up would be putting it mildly. There wasn't even a hope on his radar screen. He had so little hope that he hadn't even mentioned he had an interview to me. Surprisingly, the interview went so well that a glimmer of light started to shine. Call me next week, the man said.

Tuesday the following week, Dave calls the man. "Nothing yet" he say. "I don't know if we are getting the contract yet."

Unfortunately, the job Dave had applied for was contingent on the company securing a contract to build a large project. Down Dave's hopes went again. The glimmer of light was gone. He had tried, struggled, looked, applied, striven and now pretty much given up hope that a job would come.

You know that saying "it's not gonna just fall into your lap?" Well, sometimes it does. Sometimes when we finally quit trying to do it ourselves and begin to put it in God's hands, he places what you desire in your lap.

Wednesday.... The very next day after this man said "Nothing yet", the phone rang. "Dave, I need some help, can you come to work?" It was a friend of his from church, that he served beside on the building committee. This man works for a construction company doing the same job Dave has done. He has been wanting to get Dave on at his company for some time but the availability hasn't been there. But now, he is overwhelmed with work and needs help. "Can you come in tomorrow?" he asks. "I can't be there tomorrow but I can on Friday" Dave tells him.

Thinking its just a temporary thing, contract work to pull the guy out of a crack, Dave shows up bright and early on Friday. As the day wore on and he was filling out W4 forms and insurance paperwork, he wondering.... "Is this a permanent position?"

Turns out, it was! No interview.... No talking to anyone..... Just a job, doing what he has always done, paying a good pay. With insurance starting the following week. Knowing full well that he would be gone for 10 days in just a few weeks to go to Greece.

Sometimes, it is just given to you. Sometimes, it does just fall into your lap. Because God does hear. And He takes care of His people. Only, it's in His timing, not ours. And we are required to just keep on going, trusting in His provision until He brings about the right thing at the right time.

So Dave's back from Greece now... School has started.... Routine has set back in....

Dave goes to work each morning. Brett goes to school. As for me? It's back to writing and waiting.... for the next part of His story in our lives.