Pressing Forward As My Knees are Knocking

Have you ever wondered why being a child of God requires so much change and growth? I have! As a matter of fact I am asking God that question right now! I keep thinking I will get to coast for a while, maybe sit back just long enough to put my feet up for a short spell. But......NOT!

Change just keeps on coming. Seems like it's becoming a more frequent visitor and stays longer each time. Lately I have begun to wonder if maybe it's decided to become my way of life. So be it. If that's the way it's gotta be, I guess I need to get used to it and stop fighting so hard against it. Guess I should just strap on the safety belt and hang on for the ride. Knowing of course that I'll be safe since Jesus is driving.

Here's the thing. When I prayed to be greatly used by God, I had no idea how much change it would require. I expected my external circumstances to change. I knew that I would face some adversity and have to overcome some obstacles. I knew that He would change me internally. What I did not anticipate was having to come face to face with myself. What I mean is my core fears and insecurities.

Six years ago when Jesus sat me down in the chair in my living room and began a very personal discipleship program with me, I began to be consumed with His word. I knew I needed to love Him with all my heart and so I asked for Him to give me wisdom and a heart like His. I then began to pray for Him to make me look like Himself when I looked in the mirror. A slow ember began to burn which grew into a spark. That spark of fire grew until all I wanted to do was be His and glorify Him in what ever way He deemed fit.

As my desire to understand the Word of God intensified, He reminded me of a vision He had shown me at the age of twenty. Wide awake, I had seen clearly a vision of myself. In that vision I was standing at a podium in a large auditorium filled with people. I was speaking for Him.

For the next three years as I spent my days engulfed in the Word of God, the message God continually spoke into my heart was "Speak for Me" "Speak for Me". Three more years and here I am, still changing and learning. Yes, I am more prepared to be that person. Yes, I do speak and teach His word to others. But as it is becoming more clear what is expected of me I am now coming face to face with my deepest beliefs about myself.

You see, I am comfortable teaching in a small group to those I know well. I am comfortable typing my words from the safety of my laptop as I sit here in my living room. I can even get through an occasional speaking engagement with the loving women in my church. But as I begin to embark on bigger things, my full blown insecurities are hitting me square between the eyes.

You see, I have been writing a bible study that I have embarked on trying to get published. This weekend, I am attending a conference where I will have the opportunity to present what I have written before some editors and publishers. I am terrified. You may think me silly to have such fears, but there are many things it is causing my poor heart to feel.

I struggle severely with insecurity. What were you thinking Lord!?! Me a speaker, a writer, a teacher? I know what He is calling me to do and if I take this step it will lead to more. More of what I am terrified of. More standing up in front of people as my legs are shaking. More of possible rejection and criticism. More, more, more..... of everything I feel inadequate to do.

So as I come face to face with one of my biggest core beliefs, that I am not enough, all my insecurities are at high alert. I'm shaking in my boots and my knees are knocking but I will not let it defeat me. I will do what I need do to get past it, I will DO IT anyway. I will press on forward; scared, legs shaking, knees knocking. I will continue walking forward into where He is calling me, scared or not. My hand may be squeezing His so tight that I cuts off all His circulation, but forward I will go. I doubt He will mind my squeezing.

This weekend, and I am sure many more times in the future, I will face my fear and hear these words "Do It Scared". "Do it with fear in your heart if you have to, but don't stop, just do it"

So I will.... go..... do it..... trembling......holding on tight. But I will go.