Monday, January 5, 2009

Tears of Regret

As I sit here tonight pondering about many things, I find myself reflecting back on my life. Some recent circumstances have made me look back on many years long past. I have always said to myself that I never wanted to have any regrets. I didn't want to get to the end of my life and wonder "what if". What if I had loved completely would it have worked out? What if I had done things differently? The problem is, I made that decision to have no regrets to late.

My regrets come from a time in my life when I was too young and to innocent to know any better. You see I came from a broken life. A mother who's idea of love was wrong and as a result I ended up spending most of my life trying to make her love me. A father who after the divorce from my mother gave me up to adoption with my step-father. Finally a new father, who in the end used me for his own sexual pleasure. So you see I had no concept of God, no understanding of what love was and no protection from the cruelty of the world.

But these are not where my regrets come from. They come from a choice I made as a 16 year old girl. So many years ago, I meet a guy and I loved him. We let our passions overcome us and I ended up pregnant. I remember feeling so alone as I had to make a decision. I was only a girl trying to make an adult decision. What was I to do, my mother had told me I couldn't live at home and she wouldn't help me if I decided to have the baby. My boyfriend got scared and left me. I still remember entering that clinic to abort my child. I remember the feel of the cold stirrups on my feet. I remember the empty, hollow place inside of me that was left after all was said and done. Only scars were left, but they were ones you couldn't see because they were on the inside. I didn't know that abortion was taking a life, that I would regret my decision for the rest of my life. I made a decision with no real education, no knowledge of the truth.

There are more regrets that go with this situation. After the abortion my boyfriend and I stayed together. I loved him so much but I was so hurt by the whole experience and I blamed him. I blamed him for leaving me alone. I blamed him for not stopping it from happening. I left him and we broke up. During the time we were broke up, I found comfort in the arms of an old boyfriend. After we got back together he could never forgive me. After all that time, it ended because of my mistake. I loved him and I had such regrets for the mistake I had made but it was over. He moved on and eventually I did too.

It is by the love and grace of God that I know that I am forgiven for the choice to abort my child. I know I have Gods forgiveness and I am so grateful for that. But I still have regrets for the decisions I made and sorrow comes when I think on what should have been.
So as I look back now, after so many years, the tears seem to flow so easily. I'm not sure why. Maybe I tucked the feelings down inside and just moved on, so many years ago. Maybe it’s OK to let the tears of regret finally flow. Maybe it’s OK to mourn the regret and let the guilt go.


Anonymous said...

i think that it is more than ok to cry and regret and mourn. actually i think that it is probably really a healthy thing to do.

love to you.

Peter P said...

It’s totally OK to let the tears of regret finally flow. It’s OK to mourn the regret and let the guilt go.

God doesn't want you to hold on to those things. Let them flow. Let Him take them.

When you hold out and hold on, you are holding part of you back from God, you're telling Him He cannot have a certain part of you and everything I know about you says you don't want to hold anything back from Him.

It's OK.

Really, it's OK.

Give it up to Him.

If you haven't read it, the book 'Tilly' by Frank Peretti may help.

Gi said...

Dear Sherri,

Its good to let it all out and leave it behind. Now you need to move on after you have forgiven an released those that hurt you. Don't see yourself as a failure, we all have made mistakes in life but the important thing is to deal with them and move on.
You are not less than anyone else, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are the apple of His eyes and He has you securely in the palm of his hands. He knows about all the mistakes you made, nothing took Him off guard and through it all He sill loves you

Bless you Sis

R.L.Scovens said...

You DO need to mourn. It's okay. God knows your heart and like you said, he's already forgiven you. Leave it with Him.

Billy Coffey said...

I think it's impossible for anyone to get through this life without regret. Much, much regret. We all do things that seem right at the time, only to have to live with the fact they were wrong.

Grieving is an important step in getting through this.

And remember: God put your eyes in front of you so you can see where you're going, not where you've been.

Sherri Watt said...

Thank you all for your support and kindness. I feel the love! I thought I had given everything in my past over to God but this still remained. I thought I could just keep this little secret closed up and tell no one and be ok. But as you see, it was not to be kept as a secret but put out in the open. In the light it's not quite as scary, painful or shameful as it felt in the darkness. Now that it's out in the open, I can let it go and move forward with my heart a little lighter.

Thanks for caring and God Bless each of you! Hugs!

The Surrendered Scribe said...

You not only have the right to mourn, you get to have your Heavenly Father comfort you as only He can.

I've heard ladies speak on this topic before and they suggest anyone who can relate to find a Crisis Pregnancy Center as there are Bible studies (or like it) to help women mourn and heal, even if it has been years.

I pray complete restoration for you in Jesus' name!