Tears of Regret

As I sit here tonight pondering about many things, I find myself reflecting back on my life. Some recent circumstances have made me look back on many years long past. I have always said to myself that I never wanted to have any regrets. I didn't want to get to the end of my life and wonder "what if". What if I had loved completely would it have worked out? What if I had done things differently? The problem is, I made that decision to have no regrets to late.

My regrets come from a time in my life when I was too young and to innocent to know any better. You see I came from a broken life. A mother who's idea of love was wrong and as a result I ended up spending most of my life trying to make her love me. A father who after the divorce from my mother gave me up to adoption with my step-father. Finally a new father, who in the end used me for his own sexual pleasure. So you see I had no concept of God, no understanding of what love was and no protection from the cruelty of the world.

But these are not where my regrets come from. They come from a choice I made as a 16 year old girl. So many years ago, I meet a guy and I loved him. We let our passions overcome us and I ended up pregnant. I remember feeling so alone as I had to make a decision. I was only a girl trying to make an adult decision. What was I to do, my mother had told me I couldn't live at home and she wouldn't help me if I decided to have the baby. My boyfriend got scared and left me. I still remember entering that clinic to abort my child. I remember the feel of the cold stirrups on my feet. I remember the empty, hollow place inside of me that was left after all was said and done. Only scars were left, but they were ones you couldn't see because they were on the inside. I didn't know that abortion was taking a life, that I would regret my decision for the rest of my life. I made a decision with no real education, no knowledge of the truth.

There are more regrets that go with this situation. After the abortion my boyfriend and I stayed together. I loved him so much but I was so hurt by the whole experience and I blamed him. I blamed him for leaving me alone. I blamed him for not stopping it from happening. I left him and we broke up. During the time we were broke up, I found comfort in the arms of an old boyfriend. After we got back together he could never forgive me. After all that time, it ended because of my mistake. I loved him and I had such regrets for the mistake I had made but it was over. He moved on and eventually I did too.

It is by the love and grace of God that I know that I am forgiven for the choice to abort my child. I know I have Gods forgiveness and I am so grateful for that. But I still have regrets for the decisions I made and sorrow comes when I think on what should have been.
So as I look back now, after so many years, the tears seem to flow so easily. I'm not sure why. Maybe I tucked the feelings down inside and just moved on, so many years ago. Maybe it’s OK to let the tears of regret finally flow. Maybe it’s OK to mourn the regret and let the guilt go.